Falling through the Looking Glass











{June 20, 2014}   The All Encompassing “Ex”

Ex, without, un, former, etc.

If something is an ex-smoker, they are someone who once had the experience of being a smoker, but has since discontinued that behavior.

If someone is an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, they are without you. Formerly of you. Discontinued of you. They no longer hold that role with you. They have done something that has made them incapable of holding and sustaining that role.

So what does that mean for you?

They are exs. They are without you. That means you have to let them go. 

Even if they are your amicable ex and you two get along just fine, you are still having to redefine your relationship with them and restructure your view to build something new. That means you still have to stop seeing them as your ex.

Hanging on to past relationships can range from being downright annoying to dangerously unhealthy. If you find yourself constantly thinking, talking, or bringing up your ex, the biggest question you need to be asking yourself is why? What need is being sustained or fulfilled by interjecting this former person into your life? Are you wanting validation, attention, justification?

If so, I am willing to bet that whatever need it is, your ex is not fulfilling it properly or healthy. They’re your ex. They were a square peg in a round hole so you had to reject them.

The kicker is sometimes you were their square peg and they needed to reject you. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but as I spoke about in my last post,  that doesn’t mean you are absolved from considering your role in the breakup and where you may need to rebuild yourself.

The key is to let the ex go and move on with yourself. Learn what you can but then continuing learning and growing. Don’t dwell. A past relationship is a step. It may take you higher but only if you keep walking.

Advertisements


{November 11, 2012}   Why you are still a single man…

I am weary of seeing and experiencing certain problems and issues that men around me have been struggling with. I feel compelled to point out some of these problems and offer possible solutions to aid in improving these matters. And while I have been accused of being harsh sometimes, well, it’s because I care about your feelings guys. Yes. I care about your feelings. Please go dig them out of the closet and see if the warranty is still valid because they deserved to be used.

 

1) If you are in the friend zone, and you don’t want to be there then stop being her best friend.

Yes, I said it. Don’t move in with her and be her “bestest roomie”. Don’t be the on call shoulder that 24-7  answers with ice cream and a hug. Don’t always be the DD who promises not to let her leave with someone that holds her hair all night because she drank too much tequila.

I understand this can seem like a bit of exaggeration, but it is very easy for a guy who is really that close of a friend to be loved as a brother and not a partner. Stay friendly yes, be there yes, but within bounds of reason. The best bet would be to just ask her if she ever considered you as possibly more than friends. Then you can begin a conversation to help explore that.

 

2) Don’t ever lie to her, especially a lie of omission.

If she asks if you mind something and you honestly do, then say so!  If she asks if you like her and you do, then say so! I understand that you can be afraid of ruining your friendship, but a lie will always hurt a friendship. Either the pressure will build in you or she may be hurt later that you couldn’t tell her.

 

3) If you don’t tell her directly and clearly, then she doesn’t know.

It’s annoying as hell when girls drop those cryptic hints about what they want. It is just as annoying when guys do it too. If you are too scared to say something at the beginning of a hopeful romantic relationship and what is presumable a healthy friendship, then this isn’t a very strong precedent to set for the rest of your interaction. If you cannot talk to her with full freedom, respect, and safety, then your relationship doesn’t have the chance to be the dreamland you want it to be.

 

4) No guts; no glory.

There are 7 billion people on this world, with women outnumbering men by higher margins every day. If you don’t ask her out, someone else will. If you don’t follow through on the commitments your relationship is progressing to, someone else will. At least try to build a chance with her before someone else does.

And if you get shot down, the same logic applies. There are more women out there. And people will notice how you pursued the first one. Girls talk. If you have a reputation of handling rejection with class and confidence, that is seen as a sign of quality. No one likes a sore loser. And if you are emotional and whine, mope, or get angry that girl as well as all the others around you are watching you regardless if you realize it or not. No one is going to feel like they’ve missed out in a situation like that.

 

5) Stop picking incompatible people!

If you want a religious person, you’ll have more luck at your local house of worship than a nightclub. If you want a compassionate and caring person, you’re probably not going to have good luck at a dog fight. Now there are always exceptions, but that is exactly what they are: the one in a million exception. I’m sure you can find one bear in the city, but it would be a lot easier and have better variety if you go looking in the woods.

Don’t complain how the person you’re into isn’t how you want them to be when they aren’t into what you are. If you are a person who doesn’t want children and only wants to travel don’t try to build a relationship with the small town girl who wants five kids and doesn’t want to move. Don’t start something you can’t finish. Don’t ever expect people to change. EVER.

 

6) Get dating advice from reliable sources.

Lesbians are actually very good guides on how to talk to women. Happily married men of a similar or compatible generation are good. Your little sister/cousin/family member could be good. I stress family because you never know if that friend-that-might-as-well-be-family may have a crush on you. But if you know that’s clear, then ask them. And of course, you can always ask me. I will do what I can to help you out.

 

And in closing, I think I will leave you with the best pick up line ever!

“Hi, my name is _______. What’s your name?”



et cetera